What's going on between your daughter and her friends? What are they texting and messaging each other about? To get the inside story, we talked to girls around the world about whatâs most important to them â their friends.
What girls say about the meaning of friendship
âMy friends are really, really important to me. To be honest I canât imagine my life without them â theyâre my backbone; theyâre a huge part of every day. Why do they matter so much? Well, I guess itâs because I know I can always count on them to cheer me up. Theyâre always there for me, and theyâre really good fun.
âWe talk about all sorts of things, all the time. We talk about school and the teachers, and about funny things that are going on in our lives. We talk a bit more these days about guys. Thereâs a guy I like â my mom knows thereâs âsomeoneâ, but my friends know who he is.â
Eleanor, 13, US*
âUntil the age of about 10 I had lots of friends, but they werenât the centre of my life. Then from around the time I went to high school, they started to be the people I was closest to. I mean, Iâm still close to my mom and sheâs the person Iâd go to if I had a really big problem, but for all the ordinary stuff that happens on ordinary days, I talk to my friends.
âMy parents are really busy, and when I talk about having a test at school it doesnât mean the same to them as it does to my friends. My mom will say, âOh well, try your bestâ if I say Iâve not revised enough. But my friend will understand how Iâm churned up with worry, and also that I probably have done loads of revision, but Iâm scared itâs not going to be enough. I guess my friends are living the same sort of life as me, and thatâs what makes them so important.â
Jessie, 14, Mexico
âIâve got five best friends â three of them were at junior school with me, and two I met at high school. Theyâre the closest people in my life after my parents â my only sister is 24, so sheâs much older than me and her life is very different. My friends are more like my sisters â most of the time theyâre either at my house or Iâm at one of theirs. We usually have a sleepover at the weekend.
âMy parents almost regard my friends as other daughters, and I feel like another daughter in my friendsâ houses. Itâs really special, and I donât think the boys I know have anything like as close a bond with their male friends, as we do with one another.
âWe talk about literally everything, but mostly itâs whatâs happening at home, what famous people weâre interested in, what bands we like. Itâs all lovely until thereâs a fallout, and then â wham! Iâm so sad. I canât think about schoolwork or anything else until weâve sorted things out.â
Isabella, 14, Brazil
âWhen you start at secondary school, itâs all about finding your group, that bunch of girls you really identify with and feel at home with. So when I get to school in the morning, the first thing I do is find my group. There are five of us altogether â two of us went to one primary school and the other three to another. I do talk to girls in other friendship groups, and weâre not at war with them or anything, but itâs the girls in my group who I most want to see and be with.
âWe all like to look the same. Each morning, when weâre getting dressed, someone will message everyone else to say, âIâm wearing shorts todayâ or âIâm wearing trousersâ. And that way weâll all turn up looking the same.â
Evie, 13, Australia
âEach person in your group has a different role: Iâm the peacemaker person, so people come to me if thereâs a fight. Someone else might be the funny one, or the clever one. If someone leaves your group, you have to find someone else to take on that role â or else people change a bit, because you always need someone whoâs funny, or someone who can sort out fights.â
Issy, 11, UK
Why are friends important in teenage girls' lives?
What comes across from all the girls weâve spoken to, is that friendships are central to their lives. At this age, they usually form a close bond with three, four or five girls, and all around them other groups of girls are forming.
Families and parents still matter, but their friends are the people who share their everyday experiences.
This isn't just a phase â itâs a biological need. The hormonal changes theyâre going through spark their social skills, and they âcraveâ the security of female friendship.
Maintaining their friendships is fundamental to how adolescent girls see themselves and how successful they believe they are.
As parents, itâs important not to belittle your daughterâs relationship with her pals. Don't say her time with her friends is unimportant, or complain about how long she spends with them or how much they communicate when theyâre apart.
You may need to rein in your daughter at times (if, for example, sheâs texting through a family meal). But be aware that being connected is vitally important in her world.
*To protect privacy weâve changed the names of people whose stories we tell on these pages, but the stories are genuine.
Girls and their friendships: what experts say
Psychologist Dr JoAnn Deak, who has written extensively on girls and their development, says that while parents see their daughtersâ relationships with their teenage friends as 'overwhelming,' the girls themselves tend to see them as 'overriding.'
Some experts call girlsâ friendship groups 'cliques' or 'tribes,' but Dr Deak thinks of this as 'the wet butterfly stage.' Until this point, girls have been cocooned in their family relationship and, with adolescence theyâre suddenly cocoon-less. Itâs exciting, but itâs also scary and shaky.
Girls at this stage, she says, have wet and fragile wings, so to protect themselves, they surround themselves with other 'wet butterflies.' âThey cluster together and need to act alike, talk alike and look alike for the protective camouflage it provides,â she says.
Our own expert Dr Tara Cousineau says, âGirls are inherently relational. They manage their stress by using a coping strategy called âtend and befriend.â Itâs a survival strategy, for females in particular, in addition to the natural fight or flight response that all humans have. This is another lens through which to view girlsâ cliques. For many girls, being accepted by a group is a way to protect oneâs self-esteem, especially in the vulnerable years of early adolescence.â
*To protect privacy weâve changed the names of people whose stories we tell on these pages, but the stories are genuine.
Confidence Kit
This guide consists of a series of articles covering key topics that affect self-esteem, and it provides activities to boost body confidence in your child.
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